Archive for January, 2008


It snowed today.

I wish I could put into words how snow makes me feel, and why.  I guess all I can really say is that I grew up in a place where it started snowing in October, and usually didn’t stop until April or May.  I remember snow on the ground on St. Patrick’s Day many times (even now the smell of melting snow and wet earth makes me think of shamrocks) and even a blizzard on Easter morning.  I remember snow being over my head, and being able to actually build an igloo just from what my dad shoveled off the driveway.

My dad… mostly snow reminds me of my dad.  He died when I was 20, after a long illness.  When I was a little girl and we still lived in the Desert/Tundra, he was strong and well.  Winter was his favorite season… he loved snow and winter sports- sledding, skiing, riding snowmobiles.

I see the snow fall, fat flakes floating gently downwards, and instantly I am six years old.  My mother has hot cocoa waiting in the kitchen, and my dad is watching us play from the front stoop.  He wears a leather jacket and smells of tobacco and Old Spice.  When he kisses me, I feel the roughness of his moustache against my nose and cheeks.

I stand in the middle of snowflakes, after a brisk walk with my husband, and it is all I can do not to cry.   Falling snow makes me cry.  A sick, empty hurt wells inside my chest, remembered happiness and unbelieveable grief churned together, until finally it becomes too much to hold in and my eyes fill with hot tears.  I want to be six years old, forever six years old, safe and happy and warm, watching snow fall and knowing that soon I will be outside playing in it.

If I have my choice of what Heaven will be like, that is what I would pick.


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Slow and steady

A lot of women, when they begin a new weightloss program, see results right away. I remember at my first Weight Watchers meeting, the leader told me and the other ladies present that we would lose as many as six pounds in the first week… but not to get used to it, since after the first two weeks, we’d only see a 1-2 lb loss on a regular basis.

I have never seen those kind of ‘big’ results. I have always been a slow-and-steady girl, and that can be really frustrating. It takes a lot more gumption to stick with a diet (excuse me, I mean a ‘lifestyle change’) when you only lose 0.6 lbs instead of 6.0.

In 2003, I lost 50 lbs over a period of six months. It was hard work, but I loved every minute of it. Then I fell in love, got married, moved to a different city where I knew no one, and… well, you can probably guess what happened next. Over the last 4 years the weight has slowly crept back on, and now I’m sick of it again. It’s time for action.

Since January 1st, I have lost 5 pounds. It’s nothing to stop the presses over. It’s certainly not the ‘big loss’ most women hope for in the first two weeks of a diet. But I’ll take it, and I’ll run with it. Slow and steady wins the race, and I’m here to blow away the competition.

Watch out, world.

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